I am a big advocate for talking about mental health and ending the stigma. I talk about it when people ask me but I don’t go seeking them out. They seem to find me. Just different people from some of my best friends to people I have just met. They all seem to just spill everything that is on their mind out to me. Which I am completely okay with and think it is good to have someone to talk to about everything. Even if you aren’t looking for a solution. Yet where is the line where I have to take a step back and be like ‘whoa okay. I need to take a second’. Where do I maybe to say that I can’t be that person anymore because I need to look after myself and my mental health too. I want to help people but when I am barely keeping my head above water and then I take on this? It’s like adding weights to my ankles. I know I shouldn’t be taking it on but I just feel everything.
I just don’t know where to draw the line.
I don’t know when to say that I can only handle so much.
Lately, I have been struggling. A lot. But it seems like no one notices. I am outside of my body screaming at it to do something about how it feels. To tell someone about how I am feeling. But I don’t want to bother anyone. I feel like me telling someone that I am struggling but I don’t want to burden them with my problems. Everyone has something going on and if it seems like they don’t. You’re wrong. They are just better at hiding it then some. I haven’t really been eating or feeling. I think that is what scares me the most. I am not feeling much of anything. I know I should be and realize that something is wrong but….. I am just tired. Tired of fighting this. Fighting day in day out. This invisible war that wreaks havoc on my mind and body. Feeling like I am drowning in a crowd. The constant feeling of something is going to wrong.
Somehow I still get up. Many people still get up and do what they have to do. It might take all of their willpower they have.
Those people are the some of the strongest people this world has.
High functioning anxiety is a thorn in my side. I could have been up all night and cried myself to sleep. But I am up the next day going about my business like nothing happened. I don’t bring it up or draw attention to myself and do my work. I laugh at the appropriate times and smile at people. When people ask if something is wrong I just tell them that I didn’t sleep the well the night before.
Fake it till you make it
Then when you actually open up to someone they say something like “oh I never would have guessed” or something along those lines. I am fully aware I do not seem like the person to have a panic attack over the fact that I may or may not have said something. I know I don’t seem like the person to worry about every little thing that is or isn’t within my control.
But I am.
And telling me that I don’t seem like the person to be like that isn’t really a compliment. It is more of a nod toward our acting skills or lying skills whatever one you think it should fall into.